Recently, Sen. Nicole Eaton proposed that the government of Canada replace the beaver with the polar bear as Canada’s national symbol. Calling the beaver a “dentally defective rat”, Eaton suggested the change because “The polar bear, with its strength, courage, resourcefulness, and dignity is perfect for the part.”
Of course, her proposal sparked outrage from patriotic Canadians everywhere, saying that the toothy beaver has – and always will be – the Canadian emblem.
Naturally, we assume the government needs our help in figuring out which animal to go with, so we’ve made a list of the pros and cons of each animal to determine which furry creature is worthy:
BEAVER!!!
Pros:
– Has been doing the job for 35 years
– Demand for their hide started up the Hudson’s Bay Company (The Bay)
– We owe them after killing so many in the fur trade
– Beaver hats are still stylish, regardless of what anyone says*
– The best cartoon, ANGRY BEAVERS, was based on this animal
– They’re the second largest rodent in the world
– They don’t hibernate
– They make the nickel look pretty
– They can chop a tree down with their teeth
Cons:
– They’re currently angering farmers in Ottawa because their overpopulation has resulted in destroyed trees, farmland floods, and their presence is threatening their septic systems, wells, and roads
– In the 1970’s, they were one of the primary carriers of the popular “Beaver Fever” (better known as giardiasis) causing many people to get diarrhea
– Even though they’re large, they’re still technically a rodent
POLAR BEAR!!!
Pros:
– Not a rodent
– Being on the toonie, it gives the impression that they’re $1.95 worth more than the beaver
– They’re the largest terrestrial carnivore, being double the size of the Siberian tiger
– They can smell their prey over half a mile away
– We owe them after putting on the endangered species list through Global Warming
– We also owe them after killing approx. 500 bears per year in Canada
– Like humans, they play-fight
Cons:
– Would likely kill you
– Don’t have a cool cartoon attached to them, only a Coca-Cola marketing campaign
– Though a beautiful and majestic animal, they don’t have 35 years of symbolic experience
– Even though the toonie is worth more, it’s only been around since 1996
So readers, would you prefer the POLAR BEAR as Canada’s new symbol, or would you prefer that the BEAVER stays? Either comment below, or send us your opinion to email hidden; JavaScript is required and get published in our next issue!
*Faux beaver hats, obviously